Posted 12:55 AM
Lower lifeforms

I hate cleaning.

They say cleanliness is next to Godliness. If that's the case, my mother has secured herself the equivilent of a half-million dollar home in Heaven or whatever world awaits us beyond.

Mom's always run a tight ship on the housework homefront. Stuff was clean, or it wasn't in her house. Period. When we first moved to Illinois in 1987, it was a brand new house on Burgess Hill Road that greeted us. The setting was the back of a beautiful neighborhood. The style was California-Contemporary. And the inside was untouched...pure...and clean. It was my mother's dream. And if she had it her way, it was going to stay that clean. So when I went to take a shower in my very own bathroom the first morning there, I remember a conversation similar to this:

Mom: "Are you going to shower in there?"
Me, somewhat bewildered: "Uh, yeah"
Mom: "Why don't you go shower in our bathroom upstairs. Your bathroom's so nice and clean, we should just keep it that way."

Years later, I wanted a car. And I didn't want a used one either. My 15 and a half year old mind steered me toward a brand new set of wheels instead of a hand-me-down. To mom's dismay, I worked out a bizarre arrangement where we ditched our cleaning woman provided by Paul the Polish Pimp (that's PO-lish, as in the nationality) and I agreed to clean the house, top to bottom. Dad, in turn, made the car payment on my beautiful, non-california-contemporary Nissan Sentra. This "agreement" was great for all of about 3 weeks. I never could live up to my mom's standards of cleanliness...and friends said I always smelled like Clorox. It was misery for all parties involved.

10 years later, the misery continues. I have a new truck. I have a fairly nice house. And I still have a deep-seeded hate for Scrubbing Bubbles and Tilex. After an evening of cleaning my bathroom, I can't decide if it's the actual de-griming or the fumes that's making me grouchy.

When my ship comes in, Paul the Polish Pimp better be on it. I'm going to put his girls to work.