Posted 1:07 PM
Following suit

This is especially hard for me because I don't read. Never mind that I could read at age 3 (when, after reading "George Mason Univeresity" on a highway sign, my dad ran off the road and spun the car out), and that I read at a high school level in 2nd grade (AND I GOT A 1500 ON MY SAT). My short attention span gets in the way of reading. I finish a chapter and can't remember what it was about. I have to re-read paragraphs over and over again, and that's frustrating...and slow. However, I have sucessfully made it through a few books. So here's my list, in no particular order.

1) The Weatherman -- A novel by Steve Thayer. Yeah, it's an obvious choice, but it has a lot of elements about it that make it interesting. It's a serial-killer murder mystery (serial killers and their psyches are fascinating), plus has all the little bits of television news innuendo thrown in there which is much more easy to understand now that I've worked in this business. I've read it twice. The last line in the book makes you want to throw it away, but it's so good that you pick it up again a few months later.

2) Airframe -- Are you sensing a theme here? I have to read about stuff I like...among that stuff is the world of air travel. Michael Crichton is a very good author, and I have enjoyed other books of his...in particular "The Andromeda Strain" and "The Terminal Man". Medical thriller/mystery type stuff is also intrguing, even though I could NEVER be a doctor.

3) The Catcher In The Rye -- I was surprised no one had this on their lists yet (or maybe they did, and my reading comprehension is failing me yet again). This was required reading in Mr. Anderson's English III class in high school, but I read it two or three time before year's end. There is a Holden Caulfield somewhere deep down in all of us. Mine pays a visit about 3 times a year or so. I will also lump The Great Gatsby in here, because it was part of that same American Literature unit. One of the fastest I've ever read a book (2 days I think)

4) Lucky You -- Carl Hiaasen writes excellent books that weave together his brilliant and endless imagination and a little bit of US History and Geography. Most of his books are set in Florida, and since I have all that family down there, I'm pretty familiar with it. He's one of the best character developers I've ever run across in my limited reading...and for you South Cackalackians, Lucky You is all about a lottery scandal...with some amusing twists that I'm sure we'll see as a story in Woo-Doo's or Arch Enemy's newscast someday soon.

5) The rest is a tie between a bunch of other books that I really should pick up again. There's 1984, the predictions I find as eerily true as the rest of you...Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, science fiction that's still to bizarre for me to comprehend in some parts...etc, etc, etc.

Oh and I was supposed to talk about The Gulf on this blog too. But I will just pass him a note instead, like we did in grade school. It's the same thing, right?

Posted 11:40 PM
No, I didn't photocopy my ass...

I've been accused of looking like a 16 year old, with my fresh youthful face and boundless energy. I've been accused of acting like like a 12 year old, with my fresh youthful face and boundless energy.

The 26 year old went to work...with work far from his mind. He wanted to play. Like a black lab puppy in the park on a Sunday afternoon, jumping here and tackling there. 'Gimme the ball! Gimme the ball! gimme the ball!'

The best way to remedy this kind of feeling at work? Xerox.

When I walked by the copy machine at work...I felt this temptation...this urge...to go in and just f*ck around with it. See what the buttons do. I made all kinds of interesting copies in a 10 minute period today. Anything I could find on my desk got put on that shiny glass, just to see what it would look like when reassembled on a piece of paper via the miracle of "toner". A stuffed cereal mascot combined with a coworker's 5x7 and several of his vices had me laughing to the point of tears.

When I was done, I threw copies of my drivers license, my wallet, an ID card, a comb, and several other associated knick-knacks in the recycling bin, and returned to work at my desk, free of distraction.

The point: Let the 12 year old inside reign for awhile. It's good to let him be king. Sometimes to get rid of distraction...you have to give IN to distraction.

Speaking of distraction...you 12 year olds should all be working right now. Back to it!

Posted 12:33 AM
...and Bill Cosby laughed

Screaming kids suck. Cute kids make me smile. Precocious kids make me laugh...the kind of kid that opens his 6 year old mouth and lets something innocently roll off his tongue that could have come from the mouth of a 26 year old.

I went bowling tonight. I hadn't been in a year. I used to cut class in high school and go bowling at the end of the day with my buddies KC and Darren. The alley was 2 miles away, games were 75 cents. We bowled till our arms hung limply at our sides and we couldn't handle the pain caused by a hangnail from a 12 pound ball. I bowled a lot. Consequently, I got somewhat good. I could bowl 170s on a regular basis.

Still, that skill takes a while to come back. In my 2 "warmup" games, I was lucky to break 100. While I'm staring down the white, red-striped enemies at the end of the wood-planked battlefield, Zippy and I notice the kid on the lane next to us. All 4-foot-nothin' of him was rolling a 220+ game. Zip and I (my bowling name, I should mention, is 'Stu') realize the potential to turn this into some kind of feature story. Dumbfounded, I start talkin' to this kid:

Me: Hey kid, you're a pretty good bowler.
Kid, looking down shyly: Thanks.
Me: How old are you?
Kid: 10. I mean, duh...11. Well, technically I can't say that yet. It's still a good 72 hours away.
Me, laughing: You bowl regularly?
Kid: 4 times a week.
Me: Your average?
Kid: Somewhere around 225.

Amazing. This goes on, and I can't believe it. He bowled a 285 once. I believe him. Finally, Mr. Newsman goes in for the kill:

Me: Have you ever been on TV?
Kid: Nope. But I've been in the paper 4 times.
Me: How'd you like to be on TV? I'd like to tell a story about you.
Kid: No thanks, mister. I've famous enough. I don't really need to be a centerpiece of the news. Bye!

And with that, he put away his ball, put on his real shoes, and skipped off to go find his Dad. After all, he had absolutely no use for me. In 15 years when he's on the Pro Bowling Tour and his publicist calls me, I'll remember his name. [It's Shane, by the way (I can see Woo-Doo rolling her eyes).] I'll ask for the fax. Then I'll politely put the fax in the garbage can. It'll land right on top of my scorecard from Star Lanes. 3 game average....155.

Posted 10:03 AM
So much to say?

Everyone knows him. That shy, little kid in the back of the room...who never says anything...and consequently gets dragged through the mud all year long...making his 4th grade a miserable experience. John Heller never said anything in school. I've been rather...well...John Heller lately. Not blogging for 6 days might be a felony in some states. Anyway, for those of you who skip on by from day-to-day, sorry...I just haven't had much to say or ponder lately. That's not a bad thing...I've just been a little introspective for the past few days. Most psychologists (or psychiatrists? Can someone please explain the difference to me?) would say that's healthy. I just think it's a necessary evil.

In another episode of the post-hockey CP Chronicles...there weren't too many John Hellers around the table. In fact, the discussion was a little bit like swedish meatballs...enticing, but a little too heavy for my tastes. Daniel Pearl came up. If you haven't read what Elder Statesman has to say about him, stop, go there now, and read. Being Jewish and a journalist...this Daniel Pearl thing nauseates me more than "The Demon" rollercoaster at Six-Flags. I get that eerie feeling that I got when I was in Berlin...when it felt like no matter what I looked like, people could see through me and pick me out as a member of the Jewish faith. I'm not all that religious. But I'm very aware of who I am. Hearing that Daniel Pearl may have been killed for being a journalist infuriates me. Hearing that Daniel Pearl may have been killed because he was Jewish makes me sick. It doesn't matter that it happened in Karachi. It's hits close to home.

I couldn't go over there right now. I wouldn't want to. I love telling stories, but I don't WANT to tell stories from over there. Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I'm an idealist. Maybe a small part of me just wants to close my eyes and wish it all away. I'm afraid that part of me takes over too much sometimes. I said outloud last night, "The World Trade Center already seems, in some ways, insignificant to me". That's sad. It shouldn't be so insignificant. But I don't live it everyday. I don't see a lesser skyline every single day, or work with someone who's grieving a loss there. I did what everyone said...go on with your life. Maybe I'm wishing it away. But honestly (and they say honesty doesn't work on these blogs) I'm just concentrating on keeping myself going. If you don't put yourself first, EVERYTHING becomes insignificant. So, I'm first. September 11th is still in my mind...just a little further back than some of my friends. Daniel Pearl will fade into the distance too. But not because I'm wishing things like that away...but because we move on, as other things move to the fronts of our minds...to be chronicled at the CP.

Take that, John Heller. More lighthearted blogging returns on Monday.

Posted 8:17 AM
My 66 cents

I guess even creativity grows tired of lounging around the deck of a Southbound cruise ship, enjoying drinks with pineapple slices and sunning himself. So creativity came home. It snapped into place sometime Friday night at Casa Whims.

This after what ranks up in the top 5 of "worst service ever" at the Alley Gator. The place is known for its Shrimp Po-Boy sandwiches, decent priced beer, and good lookin' waitresses that the old suit-types in there call "Doll" and "Sweetheart". The place is NOT known for these Dolls and Sweethearts being very good at their jobs. Usually the Po-boys and beers can smooth that over. But it was a long time before we got anywhere with our food. Doll-sweetheart let several Coors Light requests slip her mind. She was unapologetic. And so were we, when we proceeded to leave 5 percent tips. I don't think I've ever left such a small amount...but D-S had to realize she was doing something wrong. I felt bad...for about a minute...when I realized I didn't get the water I'd asked for an hour prior.

So look forward to more creative, daily-reads in the near future. Leave a comment...and remember we automatically add 15 percent to that comment for parties of one or more.

Posted 10:16 AM
It's Been Awhile

And the only reason is...I'm totally devoid of creativity. Apparantly, when I was thinking about places to take a vacation...the part of my mind that makes funny, inspirational, thought provoking words pour from my fingers got up and TOOK a vacation.

So, until that vacation is over, the part of my mind that can't count past 10 and thinks words shouldn't be longer than 9 letters is here to stay.

Enjoy him.

Posted 12:32 AM
Warm Milk

I can't sleep. I'm tired, but not sleepy. This must be the end result of doing little-to-nothing all day long, then attending a hockey game. It's rained for two straight days. I'm starting to believe this is Seattle. Of course, when you're the weatherman...this isn't a good day to be out anyway. If I had a nickel for how many times I was asked 'Can you make this rain go away?', I'd have approximately 35 cents. Not even enough for a 20 oz. Coke from the vending machines at work. I can't make the rain go away, unfortunately. But I smile and put on that fake half-chuckle laugh that makes people say "That guy on TV is nice in person too!"

That being said, I don't have much more to say. Here's some humor I got forwarded to me that I enjoyed. #8 seems especially appropriate for this weatherman today.

TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS
APPROPRIATE:

1. "What the @#$% was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

2. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come
from?"
Custer, 1876

3. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
Einstein, 1938

4. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagorus, 126 BC

6. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1564

7. "Where the @#$% are we?"
Amelia Earhart, 1937

8. "Scattered @#$%ing showers...My ass!"
Noah, 4314 BC

9. "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole
in my head!"
JFK, 1963

10. "Aw, c'mon. who the @#$% is going to find
out?"
Bill Clinton, 1997

Posted 11:51 PM
Shane, That Ain't Right...R-I-G-H-T...Right

What's better than spending 8 hours with 3 liveshots in the town of Cowpens, America?

How about being a caller for a spelling bee?

Yes, this is what my life has come to. Podunk towns and educational showdowns. I got such a big slice of Americana today I can hardly stand it. I'm full. Throw the napkin down and push back the chair from the table. Check, please.

First -- a spot news story to start the day. Very rare for me. I like the challenge. I hate the locale. 45 minutes away from "homebase". A cold, chilly, 'it's going to snow soon' Tuesday. Driving there, I know when I arrive...I will have to interrupt people's lives. A house burned. An 81 year old woman was inside it. The great-grandkids had left just an hour before. Now it's time to ask people to put the grieving process they haven't even started on hold while I have them rehash memories of what kind of woman she was. It never ceases to amaze me though, the outpouring of thoughtful things some people will say. She was the neighborhood watchdog. At 81, she helped push cars that needed a boost while someone popped the clutch. She'd set on her porch and watch 10 grandyoungins (the PC term for grandkids...PC being 'podunk common') at a time, patient with each one. This was a morning and afternoon in Cowpens, America. These people shared it with me...and in turn, turned a heartbreaking event...into a successful day.

Public appearances are a part of living in the glam-world of television. I will soon emcee a science fair and sign autographs for throngs of "adoring public" (read: psycho rednecks). Tonight, I was a caller for a district-wide spelling bee. Remember pronounciation keys? Remember how to use them? Webster would have smacked me around if he knew I actually had to go home and study these words because I don't remember how to read the emphasis marks. I actually thought of ordering hooked on phonics for awhile tonight. I even misprounced a word which the judges corrected me on....mauve. Look it up. Say it out loud. Bet you say it wrong.

Anyway, I spoke in plain English. Clear English. Non-Americana english. That means I had to forget the last 8 years of my life of living in the South and go back to that Continental accent I've developed for television purposes.

Me: Dilate.
7th grade girl: Dialate?
Me: DI-LATE.
7th grade girl, frowning: Di-a-late?
Me, slower, louder: DI-LATE.
7th grade girl: That's what I said...DI-A-LATE.

Southerners stretch out and combine the two syllables into one. Which means this poor little 7th grade girl was under the impression that there's actually an "a" in the word. She spelled it wrong. She frowned...she even stomped a little offstage. It was no surprise a few words later when a parent submitted an appeal (yes, you don't have to be in court to do that) that I had pronounced it wrong. In reality, I had pronounced it right. I just didn't pronounce it Southern. The girl was upset. The parent was livid. They left the auditorium in a level somewhere between a huff and a ruckus. The judges told me I did a great job and did everything correctly. Yet I still half-expected this parent to be waiting outside the auditorium when I left.

Otis: "Hey Ted, how'd you get that black eye?"
Me: "An overbearing Southern woman said it wasn't dialated enough."

She'll probably tell her friends the story...and will add a patented "That ain't right" to the end of it (spoken in my best Woo-Doo impression of an impression). Another story onto the buffet of Americana. It's good to fill your plate from it every once in awhile. Just don't overdo it.

Posted 11:46 PM
Root For The Underdog

Who doesn't love an upset? The Rams are a powerhouse team. Personally, I thought they'd steamroller the Pats. But secretly, deep down inside, you hope the Cinderella Story won't end. It didn't. It's the first time I can remember having a lot more interest in the game than in the ads (which were disappointing at best this year...although monkeys ARE always funny).

My Evil Twin and the little Woo-Doo had a Super-Bowl Shindig. Very small in nature, which was perfect because after two days of getting up at 5am, I wasn't keen on a throng of people, having to mingle, and the like. But since there wasn't that throng...ET didn't cook nearly as much as he normally does. His peppery potato soup was great -- but when I heard what everyone was bringing, I didn't hear any meat dishes. I like dead cow. Always have. Cold-in-the-center-rare for the most part...but red meat is a staple of my diet. Take that, vegans.

Since I'm a bachelor, I'm not expected to contribute much on the "grazing" front. The couples usually do all the stuff that involves an oven, crock-pot, or the like. I'm usually heralded for bringing a case of Coors Light and a bag of Tostitos or Beef Jerky. But tonight, with the party sadly sans-meat...I got adventurous. I scanned a recipe website I've been salivating over for a week or so. I picked something that I classified as easy (fewer than 6 ingredients), trekked out in the grey, wet Sunday to the Bi-Lo, stocked up, and whipped em up in a hurry. While they baked at 425 for 35 minutes...it smelled good. But I've learned that scent does not necessarily equate with taste. Pulled them out of the oven successfully (i.e., I didn't burn the crap out of my hand like I've done so many times in the past), threw tin foil on them, and took them over to La Fiesta. I hesitantly tasted one as I put them out on the table. It was good...but that doesn't mean everyone else would like em. However, T and ET took a bite...and gave me the thumbs up. That's when I knew they were a true success. Those guys can cook. I envy them. I always think my green thumb ended up in the kitchen...which is why I suck at cooking AND taking care of plants. But it doesn't discourage me from trying. I think I would have even done my dad proud tonight...the equivalent of winning "Iron Chefs" in my book.

So with a winning last minute field goal and a winning last minute recipe, two underdogs came out on top tonight. I'm going to Disney World!

By the way, here's the meatball recipe in case you want it. Good stuff!

Posted 9:39 AM
A

I got a 95 on the Rule 605 test. Apparantly I can't cover trials but I can cover my own classroom inadequacy fears. I'll take the A. Because you know what? The "A"...ain't that bad!